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When you were a kid and came home crying because your friends picked on you, your parents consoled you. They prepared you for a world that would constantly judge your grades, looks, and talents. Now, as an adult, the world hasn’t changed—it’s still critical of you at every step no matter how little or much you achieve.
The world’s criticism won’t go away. If you were lucky to have great parents, you might have grown up confident and focused on the process, not shaming yourself for failures. But if your parents weren’t the best, your inner critic might dominate your life, making you feel the pain of not being good enough.
Many people feel this way, describing it as being trapped or weighed down. If you’ve tried to live freely but can’t, you might relate. The good news is that many have broken free and are today able to live creatively. I speak from personal experience when I say that I have broken free too. No doubt my inner critic shows up now and then to flex its muscles and grind its teeth, but it doesn’t intimidate me. I’m able to pat it to sleep like a puppy.
There are 3 strategies I have employed that have helped me and my coachees make rapid breakthroughs:
1) Recognize it has a grip on you
In horror movies, the demon takes over the host and assumes complete control—much the same way our inner critic has assumed complete control over us.
The first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem. I struggled with this for a long time—I simply refused to acknowledge that my anxiety and low self-worth when creating content were because my inner critic had mutated into a demon. That demon showed up and haunted me every time I attempted to write an article, give a speech, or make a video.
I led myself to believe that the real problem is that I needed to ‘learn more’ and ‘acquire more skills’. So, I consumed more material and waited for the day when I would be ‘better’. But—and you already know this—that day never came.
In hindsight, I would have been a better writer / speaker / artist today, had I created and shared my work with the world sooner. Fortunately, one day I woke up and acknowledged that I had a problem—that I was possessed by a demon.
You cannot exorcize a demon until you first admit there is one. So examine your thoughts and behaviours. Track them with a journal and watch how your life events unfold. It could wake you up to a cold, stark fact: you are possessed and need an exorcism.
2) Parent yourself with compassion
Our parents did what they could—they did their best. They weren’t trained or well-read about parenting. As a result, we picked up bad parenting strategies with which we parented ourselves.
If your parents criticized and shamed you, you learned to criticize and shame yourself. Can you see how insidious this is? You are the one person you can rely on—and you can’t even rely on yourself to give you a boost when you need it the most. Worse, you instead drag yourself further down when you are already down.
It’s important to change this approach immediately. As adults, we are our own parents, and we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. We need to be our own best friend.
Start by making a list of creative activities you wish to pursue, and then like an encouraging and loving parent encourage yourself to pursue them. Reject any negative judgment that bubbles up—you are not good enough, people will say this and that, and whatever else. You will have to do this hundreds of times because you have rejected yourself hundreds of times. Your brain needs time to learn this new behaviour. But it will learn if you keep at it.
Parenting yourself with compassion is the best tonic to heal yourself. Take that first sip today.
3) Get help
When possessed, what is the one thing you become very good at? Not seeking help.
Part of the problem is our refusal to acknowledge that there is a problem (See point #1), but a deeper problem is the delusion to believe that we are heroes. We have been brought up on a heft dose of solo-hero movies where the protagonist, against all odds, rises and defeats both internal and external demons—while being suave and stylish, of course.
We buy into this fiction and begin to believe we are highly capable and can work miracles by going at heavy tasks on our own. We reject theories that propose outside help and intervention. We are delusional heroes, after all.
If your problems step from childhood issues, or if you are struggling with multiple problems at once (job loss, financial problems, family issues), then you should consider professional help. There are several excellent psychiatrists and believe me, they have seen problems that are worse than yours. With the help of a competent psychiatrist, you will be able to, gradually, overcome problems.
On the other hand, if your problems are minor but have been lingering for a long time, you should seek the help of a coach. Job search, spoken English skills, priority management, presentation skills, etc. are areas that have an outsized impact on your life—if you lag in these areas, you will end up lagging in life. Get a coach and sort these areas before they derail your finances and confidence.
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Since I used the analogy of demons and exorcism, here’s a fitting quote from the book ‘The Exorcist’.
“And I think—I think the point is to make us despair; to reject our own humanity, Damien: to see ourselves as ultimately bestial, vile and putrescent; without dignity; ugly; unworthy. And there lies the heart of it, perhaps: in unworthiness.
―The Exorcist, William Peter Blatty
And there lies the heart of it—unworthiness. To live as if unworthy is to live in chains. And how can we be creative if we feel unworthy?
It’s time to end this misery. The only questions are: do you recognize the grip of your inner critic, are you willing to parent yourself with compassion, and will you seek help when needed? If yes, you will most certainly overcome the feelings of inadequacy and live an unchained and unshackled life.
